


Selfish

by orphan_account



Series: Selfish [1]
Category: Being Human (UK), The Almighty Johnsons
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Flashbacks, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, M/M, Suicidal Thoughts, after the Ga
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-10
Updated: 2015-06-10
Packaged: 2018-04-03 20:25:20
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,014
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4113787
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Anders knew Mitchell would forget him once Bragi left. That's why he sent him away with a promise to find him again.</p><p>It was hard to keep that promise, though, once he remembered how worthless he was as just Anders Johnson.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Selfish

Anders Johnson was a selfish human being.

That had never been up for debate in anyone’s mind. If Anders wanted it and there was a way for him to get it, then he would. His brothers were right in their assessment of him. He had never put anyone in front of himself, and he never would.

There had, of course, been a time when he would have argued against that. A time when he would have brought up all the things he had done for his family, all the sacrifices he had made, opportunities he had given up, just so that he could be there when they needed him. Well, not _him_ , really, but Bragi.

But that had all really been for him in the end, hadn’t it? He didn’t do any of it for _their_ sakes, but had done it all for himself. To gain their approval. To get them off his back. To _finally_ be worth something.

It was stupid, he knew. He had used Bragi to try and trick them into giving him approval just like he had used the god’s power to gain the approval of everyone around him. Of course, since he couldn’t use the god directly on his brothers, he had to do it more indirectly by using it on whoever they wanted, but it was really still the same thing.

Now that Bragi had gone back to Asgard with all the others, no one really had any use for him anymore, which meant that his value in everyone’s eyes, including his own, had plummeted beyond measure.

It was a good think Mitchell couldn’t see him like this, he decided. While he had never doubted the vampire’s love for him, there was still a voice in his mind that told him that he wasn’t the same man Mitchell had fallen for.

It was probably for the best that he didn’t remember.

 

 _“You’re asking me to leave you_ now _?!?” the vampire cried incredulously. “Anders, who_ knows _what could happen to you once Odin and Frigg are united?!?”_

_He rolled his eyes at that. “We know what’s going to happen,” he said in exasperation. “We’ll do the ceremony, poof, the gods will leave us, and then we’ll all go home mortal. Well, except apparently for Michele.”_

_Mitchell narrowed his eyes at that. “You assume you’ll all go home. What if you drop dead as soon as Bragi leaves you? Isn’t that the only way Ty could separate Hod from him before?”_

_“That was before,” he argued. “Hanna said we’d be fine.”_

_“And Frigg has no reason whatsoever to lie about that,” the vampire said sarcastically._

_Anders sighed in frustration. Mitchell hadn’t trusted the gods and goddesses that shared their bodies since the whole incident with Idunn. To be fair, Anders didn’t much trust them either, but he had no choice in this. Unless he wanted to be saddled with Bragi forever and always have his life tied to his little brother’s, they had to go through with this._

_“It’s not like you could save me if I did drop dead,” he snapped. The vampire flinched at that, causing him to instantly regret the words. He wrapped his arms around Mitchell’s waist and leaned into him. “I’m sorry. That was insensitive.”_

_“You, insensitive? That’s so unlike you,” the vampire teased weakly, returning his embrace and pulling him closer._

_“Bragi leaving me isn’t going to kill me,” he told him._

_“Then why are you trying to send me away?” Mitchell asked pleadingly._

_“Think about it, Mitchell, what would you do if you woke up in a strange apartment in a strange city with a strange man claiming to be your boyfriend?” Anders asked. The vampire’s silence was all the answer he needed. “If you go to Bristol for a visit, you’re less likely to vamp out and attack anyone.”_

_“I might not forget you,” he protested, looking down at him seriously._

_“You forgot Ty before,” the blond pointed out._

_“That was_ Ty _!” Mitchell growl, his gruff tone belied by how he brought his hands up to gently frame Anders. “This is_ you _! I_ love _you! I’m not going to just forget you!”_

 _“Then you call me the night after the ceremony and tell me you remember and I come join you for a holiday in Bristol,” Anders stated. “But if you_ don’t _remember, this is for the best.”_

_Mitchell sighed in resignation. “If I don’t remember, you’ll come after me?”_

_He smiled sadly. “You won’t remember me,” he reminded._

_“But I’ll still_ love _you,” the vampire insisted. “You’ll just have to make me see it again. Please, Anders, don’t you dare just let us go.”_

_“When have I ever been one to deny myself anything?” Anders quipped back with a smirk._

_Mitchell’s dark eyes bore into his, knowing Anders’ deflections better than most. “Promise me,” he said seriously, tone brooking no argument._

_“I promise,” he assured before letting himself be pulled in for a passionate kiss._

_There had been no more discussion that night, but Mitchell had gotten on the plane the next morning._

He hadn’t followed through on his promise. He had meant to. Obviously, he had. The only thing he could think of after the gods and goddesses left was whether or not Mitchell would call and tell him he remembered. When he hadn’t, his first thought was getting on a plane and going to win the man back. Because he loved Mitchell. Wanted to be with him always. Wanted to grow old with him.

But he had thought it might be best to give the other man time to adjust.

And he hadn’t realized just how much his life would turn to shit after Bragi left him.

The only people who remembered who he was were the ones in that damn clearing for the ceremony. That meant all his clients, gone. Well, not _gone_ , he still had contracts with them, but none of them knew who he was. None of them remembered they were represented by j:pr because he _was_ j:pr.

Dawn remembered him, thanks to the boon Hod had granted Ty, but with no business, there was no reason for her to stick around. Sure, he had _tried_ to breathe life back into the company, but no one wanted to hire a PR manager with no experience and no contacts. Because he couldn’t very well say he was experienced and have no former clients available to back up his claims.

He was essentially screwed.

His brothers had been less than sympathetic. Ty was pissed at him because he had left Dawn without a job, never mind the fact that he hadn’t _wanted_ his business to go under. Mike said that it had served him right for using Bragi to build up his company. Axl, though their relationship had been strained ever since Gaia left, had actually been the only brother who had felt even a little sorry for him, but he was too young to understand just how big a blow it was to lose something you had spent your entire adult life building.

With no work to distract him, the Mitchell-sized hole in his life threatened to engulf him. He had meant to go to Bristol and find him. He _had_. But what if he couldn’t get Mitchell to love him again? What if he had lost the other man forever?

Their relationship had started because of Bragi. If he wasn’t Bragi anymore, what was there that would attract Mitchell to him anyway?

 

_Cutting through the alley to get back to his hotel probably hadn’t been his smartest idea. He didn’t know Bristol very well, after all, and knew absolutely nothing about what could be lurking in the alleyways. However, it was broad daylight and he was pretty confident in his ability to use Bragi against any common criminal that tried to attack him._

_Naturally his first instinct when he came across two guys pinning another to the wall was to run. It wasn’t his skin, after all, and he most certainly wasn’t about to put his neck on the line for someone he didn’t know._

_When the guy not holding a fucking_ wooden stake _to their victim’s chest turned to him with black eyes and fangs and_ hissed _at him, he_ definitely _didn’t want to be involved in whatever was happening._

_“Run,” the man against the wall told him, eyes never leaving the stake held to his chest._

_Anders had been_ so _ready to take his advice, but he didn’t think that Black-Eyes looking at him was going to let him go that easily. Before he could turn, the guy had already crossed half the distance that had been between them._

_“Stop!” he had ordered, putting as much of Bragi’s power into his voice as possible. Much to his relief, his attacker stopped dead in his tracks. He turned to the other, who was still holding the stake to the guy’s chest. “Let him go.”_

_As soon as the grip holding him place loosened, the man sprang into action, snatching the stake for his attacker’s hand and shoving it into his attacker’s chest. Without missing a beat, he pulled the stake out, even as the body it was in started to turn gray and deteriorate, and buried it in the one standing in front of Anders._

_The blond swallowed thickly and took a step back, thinking maybe he had made a mistake in helping the guy out, not that he had had much of a choice in the situation._

_“Neat trick,” the brunet said with an easy smile as he took a step closer to Anders, who, despite his misgivings, couldn’t help to notice how fucking sexy that smile was when combined with those eyes and that accent._

_He shrugged nonchalantly, masking his fear through years of practice at hiding his emotions. “I’ve got a talented tongue,” he replied with a lecherous smirk._

_“Oh, I bet you do,” the deadly stranger quipped huskily, stepping closer even as he looked Anders up and down._

_“Do you always flirt with guys after you’ve…” he searched for the right word as he looked at the piles of ashes that were the only thing left of the two me, “disintegrated two men?”_

_“Only when they’re attractive,” he shot back. “How about we get a pint and I explain before you freak out on me, yeah?”_

_Anders was pretty sure he was already freaking out a little bit, and the prospect of going somewhere with this guy only served to freak him out_ more _. Still, he couldn’t help but be_ curious _over what exactly he had stumbled into. He had seen a lot of weird shit. This was new._

 _It didn’t hurt that he_ really _wanted to feel those long legs wrapped around his waist._

_“Promise not to kill me?” he asked jokingly despite how serious the question was._

_“Promise,” the other man said with a grin._

Their relationship had only begun because they were both supernatural beings, Anders realized as he stumbled onto his feet in search of more alcohol. The half-bottle of vodka he had been nursing hadn’t lasted as long as he had hoped.

Their relationship definitely wouldn’t have lasted if they hadn’t been what they were. If he hadn’t been Bragi’s vessel, Mitchell would never have felt secure enough to have a sexual relationship with him. If his blood had called to the vampire and tempted him, Mitchell would have all but ran from him. Thankfully, god blood didn’t seem to be something the vampire wanted.

And Anders was self-aware enough to realize that he would never have kept going back for more if he wasn’t so curious about the vampire and the rest of the supernatural world that he hadn’t known existed. Sure, Mitchell was sexy and funny and all the things he would have looked for in a partner if he had at all been interested in finding one, but he didn’t do relationships. And he most certainly didn’t do _long-distance_ relationships.

So when Mitchell’s flatmate Annie, a _ghost_ of all things, had casually called him the vampire’s _boyfriend_ on his third visit back to Bristol since their meeting, which was for _business_ , thank you very much, he had been shocked to realize that it was _true_.

 

_Something of his panic must have shown on his face because Mitchell was suddenly steering him to his room while shooting Annie an annoyed look._

_“Hey,” he soothed as soon as they were alone and he had sat Anders down on the bed and knelt in front of him. “Don’t listen to her. We don’t have to put a label on anything between us.”_

_He relaxed minutely at the words. If they didn’t label the thing between them, then he was still in control. Mitchell couldn’t leave him if there was nothing_ to _leave. It was just sex, really. Sure, they spent most of their time together_ not _having sex, but there was always an anticipation simmering underneath the surface. That didn’t mean they had a_ relationship _. Relationships were more than that, right?_

 _Mitchell was now sitting beside him and rubbing his back in comforting circles. He was glad the vampire understood. He didn’t do relationships. He_ couldn’t _do relationships. What was the point really? The only two things he had to offer were Bragi and sex._

_Hell, he didn’t even really do friendships, but he wasn’t blind enough to not call what was between Mitchell and him friendship. They talked nearly every day about practically everything, from the mundane things like how Anders had annoyed Dawn that morning to the deep conversations about Mitchell’s struggle with his blood cravings and Anders’ nightmares about his father’s abuse._

_Mitchell knew more about Anders than_ anyone _ever had, and he was pretty sure he knew more about Mitchell than anyone else did._

_So they were friends. Good friends. Who had fantastic sex._

_But that was all._

_“I know you probably don’t want to hear this,” Mitchell said quietly. “And I don’t want you to push me away, but you deserve to know that I love you. That I’m_ in _love with you.”_

_“Mitchell…”_

_“You don’t have to say anything,” the vampire was quick to assure. “I’m not asking you for anything. What we have is enough. More than enough. I just wanted you to know.”_

He hadn’t said it back. He had _never_ said it back. Not once in their whole five year relationship.

He was an asshole.

Anders struggled with the cold bottle of vodka that he had found unopened in the freezer, crowing in triumph as he finally got the cap off and took a swill directly from the bottle. He fell back onto the couch and turned his head to stare blurrily at his fish.

In hindsight, he had definitely been in love with Mitchell at the time. He hadn’t said it because he was an emotionally stunted asshole that was content to take everything Mitchell gave him and give nothing in return.

Mitchell was definitely better off without him.

Getting drunk alone was pathetic, he knew, but seeing as how he didn’t have anything better to do, it seemed like as good an idea as any.

He had tried drinking at Mike’s newly rebuilt bar, thinking that _maybe_ his brothers would actually give a shit about him. That, after everything they had gone through together, everything those fucking gods had put them through, they could actually act like _brothers_.

It had really been too much to ask.

 

_“What the hell is up with you moping so much lately?” Ty asked in frustration as he sat down next to him at the bar. “So your business went down the toilet. Put on your big boy pants and get a new start. You’re not the only one who has had to start over.”_

_Anders knew that he was talking about Dawn, who had lost her own career because she had hitched it to Anders’ company. And he knew he wasn’t the only one who’d lost things, but that didn’t mean he couldn’t wallow a little._

_“It’s not that,” he snapped waspishly before shrinking in on himself a bit. “It’s Mitchell.”_

_Ty rolled his eyes. “You can’t make your bed and then be upset that you’re sleeping alone, Anders.”_

_“What’s that supposed to mean?” he asked testily, incensed to be mocked by Ty, who of all people should have understood what it felt for the love of your life to forget you existed._

_“If you weren’t such a selfish prick, Mitchell would still remember who you are,” his younger brother accused. “You could have used your boon from Bragi to let him keep his memories. What’s the matter? Finding it harder to get replacement bed-warmers than you thought without Bragi?”_

_The accusation came out of nowhere. Anders wasn’t prepared for it. Hadn’t had a chance to put up his shields. He knew his hurt was showing on his face, but it didn’t seem like his brother cared._

_“Leave him alone,” Mike told Ty suddenly, causing Anders to stare at him in bewilderment. He hadn’t even realized his older brother was listening, and he definitely wouldn’t have expected him to come to his defense. “The bloodsucker is gone. Maybe now Anders will grow a pair and stop taking it up the ass.”_

_“What the fuck is it to you, anyway?” he snarled, kicking himself for thinking for even a second that Mike cared. Not bothering to wait for an answer, he grabbed his jacket and stormed out the door, brushing angrily past Axl and Olaf, who were just walking in._

That had been three weeks ago. He hadn’t heard anything from his family in the meantime. The only time he had left apartment was to get more alcohol. He made himself eat, of course, but he could barely summon the effort to order delivery. Eating it was more of a chore.

The great thing about being in a perpetual state of inebriation, though, was that there was no hangover. He never got sober enough for that to be an issue. He was actually pretty sure that the blood in his veins had been completely replaced with alcohol at this point.

He wanted Mitchell. He wanted Mitchell so much that it fucking _hurt_.

Considering how little his family had cared to talk to him before the whole Odin thing became an issue, he really wasn’t surprised that none of them cared to reach out now. Why would they? There was nothing about him worth caring about anyway.

 

_“So I know we’ve been talking about me moving to Bristol,” Anders sighed into the phone. “But something’s happened and I can’t anymore. Not right now. Not for a while.”_

_He and Mitchell had been together for two years, and they had been discussing the possibility of Anders making a permanent move to England. About half his clients, and honestly the most profitable ones, were ones he had gained from his numerous “business” trips to England. A lot of them were located in London, but it wouldn’t be hard for him to work from Bristol. He had already found an office space to rent and everything._

_And then his fucking family had happened._

_“What happened?” Mitchell asked, voice a mixture of disappointment and concern._

_“My brother’s ceremony was yesterday. He’s Odin.”_

_“I don’t understand.”_

_“Odin, as in the king of the gods,” Anders explained in resignation. “He has to find Frigg for the pantheon to become fully powered again. And if he doesn’t… well, if and when he dies, the whole family dies.”_

_Mitchell swore violently. “Alright, I’m coming.”_

_“What?” he asked in confusion._

_“You can’t move here because you have to help your family with the whole Frigg thing. Doesn’t mean I can’t move to New Zealand to be with you.”_

_“I can’t ask you to do that, John,” he said softly, stunned that the vampire would even offer. “You have George and Annie in Bristol. I won’t take you away from them.”_

_“You’re more important,” he stated firmly. “And if you’re in danger, then I definitely need to be there.”_

_Anders was quiet for a few moments, not really knowing what to say. “Thank you,” he whispered finally before hanging up the phone._

Mitchell was better off without him, Anders realized as the room spun around him. All he had ever done was disappoint the man. Mitchell did so much for him. He left behind his home for him. Had left his friends for him. Had moved to the other side of the fucking _world_ , and what had Anders done in return?

He had tried to keep his from getting hurt from the whole god-business. Had tried to separate them _both_ as much as he could from that world, but he had failed over and over again.

He himself hadn’t really started hating being the vessel of Bragi until the whole Helen thing. The blonde had let Idunn convince her that she and Anders belonged together and she had tried to seduce him at every fucking turn. Bragi had tried to bend his own will to get him to give in, but Mitchell had given him the strength to resist.

It was _almost_ a relief when the god-hunters shot her through with a crossbow. Almost, but not quite considering they were just _another_ threat that had to be dealt with. Another threat that he was once again blamed for. Considering it _was_ his fault that the god-hunters had caught their trail when he was too careless with his powers, he probably deserved the blame though.

And of fucking _course_ Axl’s little girlfriend had to become Idunn. With neither vessel willing to give in to their immortal love, Bragi and Idunn had taken things into their own hands.

 

_“Gaia? What are you doing here?” Anders asked in surprise as he opened the door. She just smiled and brushed past him, looking at where Mitchell sat on the couch in disdain. The blond shared a confused look with the vampire. “I thought we agreed that it was better to not risk seeing each other.”_

_“You and Gaia did agree,” she agreed, voice more airy than it normally was. Her eyes flashed with a spring green light as she turned to face Anders. “I, however, did not.”_

_He barely had a chance to realize that Idunn had somehow taken over Gaia completely before Bragi was surging forward in his mind, wrestling with his consciousness and somehow flinging him away._

_“Idunn, my love,” he heard his own voice say, reverberating oddly throughout the condo. He screamed internally as his body moved without his permission, arms pulling Gaia, or rather,_ Idunn _, towards him in a loving embrace._

_“Anders!” Mitchell cried in alarm, moving to pull him away. He was stopped, however, by Bragi._

_“John Mitchell, you will_ not _interfere with this,” the god ordered using Anders’ voice, power much stronger than anything Anders could channel himself. He wanted to sob as Mitchell stepped back, jaw clenching as if trying to fight off the command. “You will wait out here until we are finished.”_

 _He tried to stop the god from going into the bedroom with Idunn. He would swear to the end of his days that he had_ tried _, but it had been no use. Bragi was too strong. Stronger than he could ever be._

_And he was intent on making love to his goddess soulmate._

_Anders had tried to block it out as much as possible. Bragi had at least helped with that, not wanting to share the experience any more than Anders wanted to experience it, but he could still see and hear and_ feel _enough._

_It had gone on all night, Bragi and Idunn taking their time and exploring their borrowed bodies to the fullest._

_All Anders could think about was the vampire sitting in the living room having to listen to his boyfriend cheat on him in their own bedroom._

_Bragi released him just as the sun was rising on the horizon. He heard Gaia sob as she quickly gathered her clothes and got dressed, not even sparing him a look as she all but ran out of the room._

_Before he could summon the energy to move, Mitchell was there, cradling him gently in his arms as if afraid to hurt him. That wasn’t right. The vampire should be_ furious _with him._

_“I need to shower,” he muttered, extracting himself from his boyfriend’s arms and standing up on unsteady feet. Mitchell let him go wordlessly._

_He turned the water on as hot as he could, feeling dirtier than he had in his entire life. He stayed in there until the water started to go cold before making his way out clad only in a towel. He didn’t look at Mitchell as he hunted down a pair of sweatpants and tossed them on._

_He was startled, then, when cool arms wrapped around him and pulled him into an embrace._

_He sighed into Mitchell’s chest. “I’m sorry,” he mumbled, not knowing what else to say. What did you say to the man you loved after you had slept with someone else? “I couldn’t stop him…”_

_“I know,” the vampire said in a strained voice. “It wasn’t your fault. We’ll get through this.”_

The tears he had refused to let fall then were falling now. Fuck, he was messed up. He wasn’t going to be able to fulfill his promise to Mitchell so why bother even trying? There was no way Mitchell would fall in love with the miserable wretch he had become. He didn’t even know how he had managed to get him to love him in the first place. He certainly never _deserved_ it.

Anders had fully expected him to leave him after he had cheated on him with Gaia, but Mitchell had been beyond understanding. How the fuck could he have _ever_ deserved him?

Axl, of course, could be counted on to have an appropriate reaction to the affair. It may have accidentally gone too far and ended up with Anders nearly bleeding out in Mike’s bar, but it had understandable.

Looking back, he almost wished that Michele _hadn’t_ healed him, but then again, Mitchell probably wouldn’t have killed his baby brother if she hadn’t, so it was probably for the best.

 

_Consciousness reached him gradually as he pushed his head further into the hand that was carding through his hair and groaned in protest as they stilled._

_“Anders?”_

_“John…” he whined, causing the vampire to chuckle and continue playing with his hair._

_“What happened?” Mitchell asked seriously a few moments later. “You were covered in blood and unconscious when Ty and Olaf dropped you off. Neither of them would answer my questions before they left.”_

_“Axl was upset about the whole Gaia thing,” he replied sleepily. “Accused me of raping her and then through me into a pile of rubble. A nail nicked my jugular, but Michele healed me. John?”_

_The vampire had gone completely still. “Are you telling me your brother tried to_ kill _you?” he asked in a deadly quiet voice._

 _Anders rolled his eyes. “He didn’t_ try _to. It was an accident. He was upset.”_

 _“Accident,” Mitchell spat the word as if it were poison. “And while Axl was defending Gaia’s virtue, did none of them bother to consider_ yours _?”_

_“As if I have virtue,” he scoffed._

_“I’m serious, Anders!” the vampire said, looking down at him with a frown. “You are as much a victim here as Gaia.”_

_“No, I’m not,” he said in exasperation. “My brothers are right. I wouldn’t have even cared if it weren’t for you. It’s not like I’ve ever treated sex with any reverence. What’s sex with one more person?”_

_“It was sex you did not_ consent _to,” Mitchell said tightly, anger barely restrained. “Anders, it was r—”_

_“John!” he interrupted him firmly, not wanting him to get the word out. “I don’t care. As long as you don’t blame me for it, I don’t care.”_

_The vampire sighed and pulled him closer. “I’d never blame you for it. I love you.”_

He should have blamed him. He should have blamed Anders for a lot of things.

Gods, but he was a shit boyfriend. He was a shit _person_. There was a reason nobody else gave a damn about what happened to him. Mitchell was a fucking _saint_ for putting up with him.

Maybe he had been the other’s atonement for all lives he had taken. Anders didn’t really think it was fair considering how much blood withdrawal kicked Mitchell’s ass and how much he absolutely _hated_ the things he had done, but he had learned that gods were capricious and cruel.

But Mitchell could have a fresh start now. One without Anders there to burden him further.

 

 _“You are sure?” Bragi had asked, confusion coloring his voice. Anders wanted to laugh at that. Of course the god hadn’t expected him to use his boon for someone else. Bragi knew exactly what kind of person he was, knew exactly how_ selfish _he was. His request probably made no sense to the god._

_“Yes.”_

_“He won’t remember you.”_

_“That’s okay.”_

_Mitchell’s words from the other night still resounded in his head._ ‘I’ll still _love_ you.’

_He believed in the truth of those words. Mitchell not remembering him wouldn’t be an insurmountable obstacle. It might take a little more work on his part, but he could do that for his boyfriend._

_Mitchell had done so much for him. This was the least that he could do._

_“So be it,” Bragi declared._

He hadn’t even _tried_ , even though he had promised Mitchell he would.

That was the loathsome person that he was. Someone who would promise the love of his life that he wouldn’t give up on him, and did it anyway.

He didn’t deserve Mitchell. Didn’t deserve love. Didn’t deserve _life_.

He rolled off the couch, swearing as he stumbled and knocked the bottle of vodka over. He grabbed it clumsily before staggering to the bathroom and leaning heavily against the sink. He yanked the medicine cabinet open, the force causing half of its contents to go spilling out. Spotting his prize, though, he grabbed the bottle of sleeping pills with trembling hands before stumbling into the bedroom and sinking down onto the bed.

He stared at the small bottle of white pills for a long time. It would be so _easy_ to just close his eyes and go to sleep forever. No one would care. Hell, no one would probably even _realize_ until his landlord came because he hadn’t paid his rent.

His family wouldn’t miss him. Without Bragi, he had nothing to offer them anyway.

The only thing that stopped him was Mitchell.

He wanted to see the other man one more time. Wanted to see his smile. Wanted to hear his laugh. Wanted to see that he was _alive_ and _happy_.

Wanted to see if Bragi had actually done what he said he’d do.

Setting the pills and alcohol aside, he stumbled out of his room to his computer, booking the first flight he could to Bristol and not even blinking at the ridiculous price of the last minute ticket, upgrading himself to first class on a whim.

It’s not like he would need his money where he was going.

 

He had to be somewhat sober for them to allow him on the plane, and he had refrained from drinking anymore until he had seen Mitchell. It made the flight to England seem longer than it was, but it was worth it.

He had wanted to be sober for this moment.

Fuck, he had forgotten how handsome the other man was.

He knew he was being a creep, but he couldn’t help it.

Mitchell was sitting in the pub with George and Annie. Anders was slightly surprised to see Annie, thinking that he wouldn’t be able to now that he wasn’t Bragi’s vessel. Mitchell apparently didn’t have any trouble seeing her either, despite his own newfound mortality.

He wasn’t going to question it any further. Not with Mitchell so full of life and happiness in front of him.

He could die with a clear conscience knowing that the man he loved was happy, but he hadn’t yet had the strength to tear his eyes from the sight of Mitchell’s sparkling hazel eyes.

It was only when those eyes turned to stare at him that he knew he had stayed too long.

There was no recognition in those eyes, and it hurt more than anything he could have imagined.

He hastily left the pub, a vague plan in his head. The pills were in his room, but he didn’t think he’d make it that far. His eyes scanned the buildings around him, but none of them really seemed tall enough to ensure his death if he were to jump from one. Not to mention there was no guarantee he’d be able to get access to the roof of any of them.

“Anders!” a familiar voice called after him, causing him to turn in surprise only to be pulled into a crushing embrace. “I forgot you!” Mitchell cried in dismay. “How could I have forgotten you?”

He sobbed as he clutched the other man in desperation, hoping beyond hope that this wasn’t a cruel dream his drunken mind had cooked up. “John…”

Any other time, he would have cursed his tears. Tears were a weakness. Tears showed everyone just how much you cared. But he didn’t care. Not with Mitchell there. Not with Mitchell _remembering_ him.

“What took you so long to come find me?” he asked, pulling back slightly to look at him, tears in his own eyes.

Anders bit his lip and didn’t meet his eyes. “I thought you deserved a new start. One without a shit boyfriend like me.”

“You always were a bit thick,” he huffed a laugh as he brought his hands up to cup Anders’ face. “I love you, you stupid Kiwi. I’m going to be very angry later when I’ve had a chance to process the fact that you broke your promise, but right now I’m just going to be happy you’re here.”

“I love you, too,” he said, saying the words for the very first time.

Mitchell’s lips curved in a soft smile. “I know,” he whispered before capturing his lips in a tender kiss.

Anders took a steadying breath as the kiss ended. “Sorry I never said it before.”

“You never had to,” he replied before looking at him sharply. “You’re the reason I’m human again, aren’t you?”

He smiled sheepishly and shrugged. “All the gods granted their vessels a boon before they left. I asked Bragi to make you human again.”

“And you call yourself a shit boyfriend,” Mitchell said with a shake of his head. “Come on. Let’s get out of the street.”

 

Later that night, as he was drifting off to sleep, sated and happy next to his very naked boyfriend, he smiled as he heard a familiar voice whisper in his head:

_You’re welcome._

He knew that for some reason, Bragi had intervened and made Mitchell remember him. He wasn’t sure if he would have to pay for that favor later, but he was glad for it all the same.

He also knew that, in the days to come, he would inevitably have to tell Mitchell about his suicidal thoughts, and the other man would be equal parts sad and angry. It wasn’t a conversation he was looking forward to, but it would have to happen.

Maybe now that there wasn’t a fucking god in his head, he could look into getting some therapy or something and get his head on straight. He would have scoffed at the idea of telling his problems to a stranger before he had met Mitchell, but he knew his boyfriend would always be worried about him if he didn’t get help.

But that was a worry for another day. All that mattered at the moment was the man sleeping next to him.


End file.
